There are times in life when an event occurs, and later while having a quiet moment, simply mulling around with my thoughts, deep reflection occurs. Today I had one of those moments.
This morning, I slept until after noon - yes, people..... that's 12 : 00. WTH??? HOW does this happen, you (and I) ask?? Well, normally - as I mentioned - they wake me after breakfast. Today, didn't happen quite that way. Today.....the kids came up, woke me briefly (for who knows what) then left so I, as any tired person would do, fell back to sleep. When I woke again, it was after 12:00. After I asked, "Why didn't you all wake me up?" it was then that I realized Mr. D was mad. Yes, he was mad because HE was tired and it was time for him to go to work and there was no time for him to lay down any more.
Side note: Mr. D got home from work last night around 10:15 and was happily snoring when I got in the bed, so he definitely got more sleep than me - I suspect at least two hours. Also, it is a regular thing that I get up with the kids and he sleeps until time to get up, shower, and head to work.
Let me stop here and say that this post is NOT - I repeat - NOT in any way about hubby-bashing, this is all about ME. It is about me because when I realized that I slept as long as I did and that he would not be able to go back to bed, I. felt. guilty. I felt like I was the *ss in the situation and it was my fault for sleeping too long. I even sent an apology text stating I "didn't intend to sleep that late" and that "I guess I was tired."
Thinking back on this, I have issues with all of this on so many levels. Lets focus on the issues with me:
1. "I guess I was tired"?? Really? OF COURSE I was tired!! I should not feel the need to say this. I worked until THREE in the MORNING when I went all day with errands, 2 kids, and NO nap! Anyone would be tired! Most people that work the shift I do have no kids or kids in school or someone to help with their kids while they sleep. So why is it that I don't accept that I too may be tired?
2. I should NOT feel badly because I was tired, slept, and didn't wake until late. If they wanted me up, they should have come and woke me up. I should NOT feel guilty about this. So why did I?
3. Why wouldn't I have held Mr. D accountable for being pissed off because he didn't get the sleep that I needed more? I deserve to get sleep just like the next person, but when this situation arises, I feel like I have deprived him of something. Where is my self-attained entitlement? The answer is somewhere with the answers to the other questions.
The bottom line is I fail over and over to put myself as a priority - in my running, my basic needs (like sleep), and many other ways. Today, it came to me that this is UNACCEPTABLE! Mrs. D is important too! I need sleep! I need exercise! I need many things that I continue to deprive myself of. Many women do this is some way, shape, or form. I often feel I do it more than average. This has to CHANGE. I need move ME up on the totem pole because I am worth it.
Attaining the title of MOTHER or WIFE does not diminish the the importance of the title WOMAN.
“Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.”
~Barbara De Angelis