Things that Make You Go......DAMN

There have been times when events occur in my life that can contribute to me feeling more crappy about my "situation" (aka weight/appearance/size).

Some "random" examples would be......

• a man in the grocery store talking about how he wants to be sure his female friend eats the best that THEN looks at me and says, "but you don't have to worry about that, do you?"
• a co-worker (who is know for his "brutal honesty") commenting on, and even touching, my belly and noting that "that's new, right?" 
• a different co-worker asking if I am going to have another munchkin soon.  When I adamantly say NO, it is then that I realize she thought I was already with fetus
• my favorite pair of jeans wearing a hole in the mid-thigh
• my son noting how "really BIG" I am.  Kids....they say the darnedest things.....right??
• complimenting a friend that has, since I saw her last, slimmed down that she looks so great to have her follow with "and so do you....." when we both knew at that moment that she was being polite. 
• seeing someone I haven't seen in a while for her to ask, "you having another one?" and rubbing her belly to clarify what she meant. 

All these things could have a negative impact on me in a very big way.  They could, but they usually don't.  I usually just absorb it and let it roll off my back.  I don't let it crush me like I probably want to let it because then it would show that it actually bothered me.  Who would want that?? 

But tonight.......I feel like I hit bottom.  Tonight......the straw that broke the camel's back.  Tonight one of my most dreaded fears happened...........

My daughter, my sweet princess, told me that my "belly is really big. It looks like [I] have a baby in there."  That killed me.  It broke me. It was the one thing I never wanted to hear from my babies - truth or not. 

You see.....I asked someone once when I was a small child if she had a baby in her belly.  When I was told no, I asked "well why is your belly big like that?"  To this, she replied....."because I'm FAT"  I have never ever forgotten that day and the look on her face and the feeling I immediately had that I had asked a bad thing. Since gaining my weight back, I have dreaded my innocent, honest children making the same type of comment to me. 

I am pretty sure I know why I have dreaded it.  I knew that if they said it, I could no longer pretend or be in denial that its not that bad.  I knew that if they said it, it is truth - pure truth.  And you know what they say...... The Truth Hurts.

Thoughts.....

Most days, I feel like this.......

.

And yet, to remedy this issue, I......

More than I hate how I look, I fear this........

And still, I continue.......

For the record,  Its NOT WORKING.  Its only making me more miserable.  Something has gotta give.

So now, the question of the day/week/month/year is......

        OR    ???

   

What's it going to be??

What do I want?

What am I GOING to DO???

What road am I going to choose for ME?????????